Hello👋 folks, Shubham here.
I am back with another edition of Soul Letter 🗞
The last few weeks have been pretty rough for me. My wedding, which was just three months away, got called off, and it’s been really tough. Since it was a love marriage, it feels even more painful. The situation ended on a very sour note, with my family and me being labeled as a disgrace to society among other hurtful comments.
To make matters worse, our office PCs have been down for almost 3-4 weeks due to a security breach. We’ve had a bunch of IT teams try to fix it, but no one’s been able to figure out what’s going on. Handling our regular customers while everything’s in disarray has been a real challenge, and we’re still searching for a solution.
With all this going on at once, I haven’t had much time to process everything. My routine’s been totally messed up—I’m having trouble sleeping, my appetite’s gone, I’ve stopped reading, and all my healthy habits have fallen by the wayside.
I figured that writing a newsletter might help me get back on track. So here I am, sharing my thoughts on setbacks.
Makes Us Humble
When everything is going smoothly, it’s easy to develop a bit of subtle arrogance. Setbacks have a way of bringing us back to reality.
They remind us of life’s unpredictability and help us appreciate the simple things we often take for granted. In the end, we learn to value our blessings much more.
What Happens, Happens for the Best
You’ve probably heard the phrase “what happens, happens for the best” when people try to console you. Personally, I’m not a fan of it. Imagine saying that to someone who just found out they have cancer or someone who’s been sexually assaulted.
“It is what it is” seems like a more honest approach. There’s no point in sugarcoating things. “It is what it is” offers acceptance, regardless of whether the situation is tragic or potentially a blessing in disguise.
The Pointless Efforts
There are times in life when you give it your all and still end up on the losing side. In those moments, it's natural to question the point of it all, feeling like all your efforts have been in vain.
I’m reminded of a story from a book I recently read—I'll keep the title a secret to avoid spoilers. The story features a woman who is eagerly anticipating the arrival of her baby. She follows all the guidelines, hoping for a healthy birth. But unfortunately, she suffers a miscarriage, leaving her with deep pain and a sense of loss.
This heartache leads her to become withdrawn and lose her will to live. Her best friend eventually confronts her about her despair, asking if she wants her unborn child to be remembered as the cause of her unhappiness.
He argues that the child was a part of the universe meant to bring her happiness. She can create meaning for why that child was granted life by trying to live a better life. Instead of being tied to her sadness, the child could be remembered for how they inspired her to turn her life around.
Our efforts are kind of like that unborn child. Sure, things didn’t turn out the way we wanted, but we can either see them as something that was meant to make us happy or let them be the reason we fall apart.
Hedonic Treadmill
Time to throw in some scientific facts.
We tend to return to a relatively stable level of happiness, even after experiencing significant positive or negative events or life changes.
So, despite the setbacks you're facing, it's likely that you'll eventually revert to your baseline level of happiness. This phenomenon has been observed in various situations, including after severe physical injuries, where people have managed to return to their usual level of happiness over time.
Papering Over the Cracks
Setbacks often aren’t entirely unexpected because we usually have a sense of why things might go wrong. We might ignore warning signs, thinking it won’t happen to us, or do just enough to keep things going while avoiding the guilt of not taking full action.
I’ve been guilty of this myself. Instead of addressing the root causes of problems, I tended to cover up the cracks without acknowledging the underlying issues. But that’s never a long-term solution.
Your Tribe
Hard times really test your circle, and I’ve been genuinely touched by the support I’ve received. It’s been surprising—and a bit amusing—to see my guy friends, who usually shy away from emotional chats, checking in to see how I’m doing (I’m holding up fine, thanks!).
As for the office issue, I reached out to nearly everyone I know—friends from school and college, former colleagues, book club members, and anyone else I could think of. The support has been incredibly heartwarming (maybe they were extra kind because of the marriage situation, but still).
While the problem hasn’t been solved yet, the lengths people have gone to help me fill me with so much gratitude. It’s amazing to see how supportive my tribe is.
This Too Shall Pass
You’ve probably seen that Tom Hanks reel on Instagram with the “This too shall pass” message. While it’s a comforting thought, life might still feel like a grind until things get back on track.
Setbacks can make us feel vulnerable and mess with our thinking, making everything seem confusing and overwhelming. Instead of facing the issue, we might look for distractions (like debauchery) to escape the pain or act out impulsively just to get through the day.
But that’s not really dealing with the problem.
So, during this tough time, try to keep it together. Remember, this too shall pass. Just take it one day at a time.
The Next Iteration
Every experience in life, whether it’s a win or a setback, helps us grow. It’s like a never-ending process.
Just like devices get regular upgrades to get better, our experiences shape us and ideally make us wiser.
Sure, you could choose to hit the self-destruct button, and people probably wouldn’t judge you for it. They’d get it—they know how tough things can get and how it might push you to your breaking point. But taking the easy way out.
What really stands out is picking yourself up and build again.
Final Words
I spent 26 years single, often facing mockery about my love life and inability to talk to girls. But I always believed that if I stayed true to my values, the right person would come along. When people found out about my love marriage (In my friend group, I was always given the top spot in the list for arranged marriages), I felt a sense of vindication. I even considered writing a newsletter to share how life rewards you for staying true to yourself (and now I’m really glad I didn’t).
Going from a movie-like happy ending to such an termination has been really tough to handle.
Life isn’t entirely dull, but it definitely feels different now. It’s like when I found out Santa Claus wasn’t real—the magic of it all fades a bit. As a kid, the rational side might have questioned his existence, but the innocent part of me was enchanted by the possibility and wanted to believe.
That’s kind of what I’m feeling about relationships and marriage right now.
For the office issue, I reached out to an up-and-coming ethical hacker through a friend. He’s promised to help fix the problem (for free, such kind people).
Remember, you’re not the first or the last to face setbacks. Even though things are tough for you, there are people out there struggling just to get two meals a day or find a roof over their heads who would gladly trade places with you. This doesn’t make your problems any less valid, but it’s a reminder that there’s still a lot to be grateful for and to live for.
Finally, it’s the best time to hit yourself those cheesy lines.
"Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."
― Batman Begins
Hope you enjoyed this edition.
Signing off for today :) Until next time, Houdoe! 🙋♂️
Gosh, that sounds painful :(
Relationships are one thing no one has figured out fully. Humans are unpredictable and no matter how kind or loving we are, there is no guarantee it will all work out. I hope that you don't take it as a personal flaw. I'm here if you want to talk. No judgement. And thank you for writing - I've been looking forward to your newsletter since long :)
It's really good to hear that you are fine buddy 😊.
I sometimes tried to reach out to you but couldn't because I didn't knew what to talk , what to say . My apologies 😔 friend . Just be the way you are and everything fill fall for you . More power to you champ .